Happy Birthday, Robin.

Four days ago would have been Robin's birthday.

 

Robin was a friend of my mother's who was in my life from the day I was born until day she took her own life. The years have passed since her suicide, but I find myself thinking of her almost daily. I see a lot of Robin in myself and it worries me sometimes that I will go the same way she did. Alone with a bottle of pills. I'm socially awkward with a decent front of shy. I have low self esteem and often wonder what the people who have claimed me as a friend get out of the relationship. Over the years I have gotten amazing at pretending that nothing is wrong, that life is amazing. Hiding the lows and focusing on the highs.

 

This is all fairly depressing, but sometimes you just need to put it out there.

 

Rest in peace, Robin. I will always remember you, I will always miss you.

FEEL THE LOVE.

I drank 2 bottles of wine tonight and watched the NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft. It was awesome. I love hockey, I love Twitter, and I love the Blackhawks. All three of these things bring major LOLs to my life on a daily basis and make me happy on a regular basis.

 

So, to hockey: I need you in my life FOREVER.

 

To the people I follow on Twitter: You are amazing and I love you.

 

To the Blackhawks: Never change. No matter if you win or lose, I will be there supporting you, even if you are traded to another team. I will follow you to the ends of the earth because of the joy you've brought to my life.

 

THANK YOU, AND GOODNIGHT.

 

P.S. To wine: ugh, best EVER. (I might be kind of drunk.)

An Open Letter To The Chicago Blackhawks

Dear Blackhawks,

Look, I'm a new fan. I will completely embrace being called a bandwagoner. That's fine, I get it. I admit that I started really paying attention and watching games last season, but you stole my heart then, and you still have it now.

 

However, currently I'm feeling as if I'm in a one-sided relationship. There are times when it's obvious that you're in this and loving it, but then you're leading by a point and you just ... stop caring. And it all goes to hell. How about some more effort? Aren't you all doing what you love, living the dream? So fucking work for it and show us you deserve to be there.

 

I don't give a fuck if there's not another parade this summer. I don't even care if you don't make it to the SCF. That's fine. As long as we see you trying, it doesn't matter. Show up for these games, all 60 minutes of them, and your fans will be happy.

 

Granted, there will be a few assholes who will complain no matter what. So long as you know you've worked for it and done your best, then those assholes won't matter.

 

Like I said, you still have my heart. I am a loyal fucker who will follow you to the ends of the earth, that's just the way I function. It would just be nice if you earned that love and respect from me.

 

xoxoxo, me

buzz buzz buzz

Tuesday is my day off. I almost wish I had been asked to cover for someone at either job today just to get out of the house. This is kind of strange. While I could use the money, lately I've been feeling very anti-work. I just don't want to go. Don't want to deal with it. Don't want to do anything but lay in bed all day, curled up with my laptop, iPod, and maybe a dog or two.

 

I've dealt with bouts of depression multiple times throughout my life. It's never felt like this. I'm not sad, not unhopeful. Just ... uniterested. I lose this feeling whenever I'm watching a hockey game or taking an aimless drive. Other than that? Nope. Just don't care.

 

I've gotten pretty good at pretending to be motivated when I'm actually at work or in other situations where I have to be social. Nothing's wrong, life is great, I want to be here, all that. Hopefully this passes quickly. I don't know how much longer I can force normal.